66 Rules For The Metal-Wannabe Emos

*** WARNING !!!***
Highly offensive to the metalcore masses. You've been warned.




(Also known as 66 ways to piss metal in the name of emo and hardcore)

These guys are REALLY annoying me.

One day, I walked into HMV. I went to browse at the metal section. Yeah, the prices are higher than in usual metal shops.

Suddenly a group of boy-girl "fashioncore" kids (and one of them has dreadlock hair) stood by me. The first album they picked up and chat very loudly about is Norma Jean (metalcore). Bla.. bla... And then they took Cradle of filth (C'mon. They're so mainstream..) from the racks. Again chatting loudly...

And then I found Atreyu on the metal section. Rainbows? Cartoons? What kind of metal cd cover is that??

And a year ago at a college gig, I watched a bunch of kids in emo punk outfits covering Iron Maiden songs. Holy shit!

Enough!!!

Here goes...

1. Your clothes are 2 sizes smaller, especially your black color "metal" t-shirt (with mini sleeves).
2. Or wear a black sleeveless t-shirt to look "tough" and "metal".
3. Probably try to taper your pants (this is a must, if your ethnic is melayu mat rep).
4. When you're wearing bermudas, it's to show that you're related to the skatecore scene (or because your area has frequent floods).
5. Wear that tight black “metal” t-shirt even though you're just going to the neighborhood shop or hanging out under the block with fashioncore friends.
6. Get a stud belt and bracelet!
7. Don't wear boots! Wear a chuck taylor or some other low cut sneakers.
8. Or else wear a skate shoe.
   
9. Get ear gauges like Matt Heafy. Consider wearing a lip ring too.
10. Get long girly bangs. This should cover your eyes or just on top of your eyes.
11. Else get a dyed spiky hair. Then skip rules #13, 24, 33, 34, 35, 40, 44, 60, 63, 65.
12. Or simply get a moptop haircut like the beatles.
13. Touch and stroke your girly bangs to the side, every 12 seconds.
14. Get this emo cap!!!
15. After properly dressing like the rules above, you can now head for the town or the esplanade. Show your stuff!
16. Chapter 4 is the greatest metal anthem ever and you have it as your ringtone.
17. Otherwise, a hardcore guitar solo by Atreyu or by any other hardcore/metalcore band with a badly untuned guitar.
18. The Trooper is your favourite Iron Maiden hit song.
19. 95% of your bands in your "Metal music folder" is metalcore or hardcore related.
20. (The ever-famous) Metallica is one of that other 5%.
21. You tried to listen to Swedish Melodic Death because your metalcore heroes do so.
22. But gradually you lost interest and return to that 95% in your metal folder.
23. In public, walk proudly with your walkman phone and turn on loudly some "metal" song to show you're "metal".
24. When someone stares at you, don't start a fight. Simply just stroke your girly bangs and look away.
25. You think Cradle Of Filth is so scary and wicked (woo.. scary).
26. Lamb Of God is your favourite death metal band!! (They're part metalcore too anyway.)
27. MCR is your favourite goth rock band. Given that you've watched the Helena video (Actually, they're just other emo pop-punk crap).
28. You couldn't really differentiate between core/scream vocals and death vocals.
29. You dance when you listen to avril lavigne.
30. You know the latest hits from Fall Out Boy, Good Charlotte, MCR and other crap mainstream pop-punk bands.
31. But then, you didn't know the latest metal albums from legends like Slayer's Christ Illusion, Celtic Frost's Monotheist, Amorphis' Eclipse, Kreator's Enemy of God etc.
32. Go to GIGS!! The best place to be and to show your "style".
33. You can hardcore dance better than you headbang.
34. Stroke your girly bangs when you stumble upon a hot chick in a gig.
35. Stroke your bangs when the big bouncer stares at you.
36. After moshing, pause for a while and stroke your bangs again. This is to maintain your "cute emo" look.
37. In your conversation about Avenged Sevenfold, mention "Avenged Sevenfold" at the 1st time. But then say "A7X" on the 2nd time, 3rd time and so on.
38. Anyway you can't even mention the name full properly:"Avesh-shieh-veng-foh"
39. You insist that [A HARDCORE BAND NAME HERE] is metal because they are extreme and brutal.
40. You insist that [A METALCORE BAND NAME HERE] is metal because they are extreme and brutal. Plus their riffs are heavy and solos are (very) technical.
41. Your right hand strokes your bangs again before it returns to the mouse.
42. While jamming, bring along girlfriends who are complete emo/goth posers. And one of them is a vocalist from a screamo band.
43. And once in a while, she tries to duet with your band. She sings (screams) horrible but your guys tried to bear with her.
44. Get them to smuggle beer into the studio for you too.
45. In reality, you are more girlish than them because you stroke your girly bangs more often.
46. Your band name is an all-English phrase, sounds something to do with "pain", "hate", "killing" or "dying" eg: "BLEEDing Through, HATEbreed, KILLswitch Engage, A Perfect MURDER, As I Lay DYING"
47. You claim that your band plays "heavy" and "brutal".
48. Your guitar is dropped-d turning (this is so that you can palm mute that same fucking D powerchord a million times!).
49. Your drummer sounded more like punk.
50. Your guitars distortion DIDN'T sound like Pantera.
    
51. Because you didn't know how Pantera guitars sounds like.
52. When singing clean vocals, your vocalist sounds like Simple Plan or Saosin.
53. ALWAYS mention Iron Maiden as your influence, if you have the word "Melodic" in your genre lable. (eg. melodic hardcore, melodic metalcore)
    
54. At least one of your member owns an Iron Maiden shirt.
55. At least one of your band member claim themselves very sensitively emo (actually he's just another attention-seeker/cry baby).
56. At least one of your member owns an Jack Daniel t-shirt.
57. At least one of your band member skates. And wears Vans shoes.
58. Try to get at least one of your band member with long "metal" hair and plays guitar shred (Looking “metal”).
59. When performing in gigs, you expect the crowd to mosh or hardcore dance. Headbanging is just too "light".
60. Perform The Trooper in an emo punk outfit. Your vocalist sounded like Gerard way instead of Bruce Dickinson.
61. After that crappy performance, stroke your bangs again.
62. During your "Breakdown (a metalcore/hardcore interlude whatever part)", the crowd began to berserk.
63. After all that, all of you stroke your bangs at the same time.
64. Your album cover consists of four colors. Black (for that "metal" look), white, grey and [PINK OR BRIGHT GIRL COLOR].
65. You stroked your bangs a total of 23 times while reading this post.
66. Stroke again one more time before you go to the next webpage.

Sorry metalcore. No matter how technical you sound, you guys are not true metal. Start by changing that fuckin hairstyle and your annoying tight t-shirts.